Growing up, I was one of the sucker teenagers who relied heavily on magazines like Dolly, Girlfriend and Cosmopolitan for all my how-to-be-woman knowledge.
Amongst the overwhelming amount of utter garbage in these magazines – the misogynistic articles like ‘how to be an excellent girlfriend’, the quizzes to determine whether or not you qualify as popular, and the monthly instalment of Dolly Doctor – where all your sex education questions were definitely not answered – there were occasionally interviews.
These interviews were your standard 1 page, 10-15 questions, 1 sentence answer sort of deal with usually Big Brother contestants, Neighbours actors and magazine interns alike – in an attempt to give the impressionable readership a sneak peek into what it means to be a real adult. Usually there was a question like ‘what’s your super quick make up routine before you leave the house?’ or ‘what’s the one makeup product you can’t live without? .. The answer that was given 95% of time, which has annoyingly stuck with me for years, was Mascara.
Mascara?! Mascara. Mascara? No.
I can’t help thinking that these answers were sponsored by some chemist brand of mascara with a subtle logo in the bottom right hand corner of the page. Mascara just cannot be the universal answer to ‘what can you not leave the house without?’ – and here is why.
It is honestly easier to remove house paint from your skin than it to remove mascara from your eyes.
I can vouch for this. A childhood friend and I painted our arms and legs with bottle green house paint as children after breaking into her parents tool shed. Her parents had to use turps to remove the paint, and it stung slightly, but it came off. Removing mascara is probably the reason I never wear it. Even when you think you have it all off, your eyes still look smudgy they way they do when you were 18 and leaving revolver at 9am.
You can not cry-laugh
You better hope nothing hilarious happens during your day – how bleak – or your quickly going to look like a dribbley mess.
If, like me, you have a habit of tampering with things, you’re doomed
Whether its scratching off nail polish, peeling off beer labels or dipping the pads of your fingers in hot candle wax, just to wait for it to dry and have a little set of finger print molds – mascara is not going to be your friend. On the rare occasion I do wear mascara, It’s usually gone by 11am just from constantly touching it.
Applying it often leads to black marks on the bridge of your nose.
Or on your eyelid, or under your eye, or pretty much wherever you intended for it not to go.
Fingers crossed you boss doesn’t make you cry on the day you decide to wear it
Instead of the dribbley laugh-cry look, boss-tears will just create long black streaks under both your eyes, which will faintly hang around for the entire day – even if you are able to remove some of the black.
and FYI, everyone in the office can tell the difference between dribbley laugh-cry and boss-tear.
After trawling through this month’s edition of Dolly (don’t judge, we have a subscription for work), the only advice anybody should be taking from it is the ‘How to dress like Taylor Swift’ page towards the back – Now, there’s something we can all improve on.
IRL Excerpts from this month’s Dolly!
The secret language of Boiz
What? No, I will not be attending your The-Fault-In-Our-Stars sleepover party
Thanks for my Miley and Taylor posters, Dolly! They are hanging proudly above the desk!